The Deepest Wounds and How to Heal them

Many people live their lives in anger and fear having no idea that these two forces are controlling their life.
Our early years in this world shape us to a degree beyond our undersemotionalwoundstanding. Those early experiences draw our first impressions and main beliefs about what life means to us and who we are in it.
For many people the main baggage they carry on from their early experiences is a lethal combination of anger and fear. These two poisons are the antidote of a healthy and meaningful life. They choke the vary basic force of life, that is love.
The intuitive part of us knows what we are entitled to. It recognizes at a very tacit level what our rights are and what needs have to be met. When our rights are violated and our needs unmet, anger is born into our lives. We feel angry at those who have violated our rights and denied us our needs. Being dependant and helpless at a young age we can’t freely act on this anger. We don’t even have the tools or the language to express it. This sense of dependency and helplessness gives birth to the other poison: fear.
The irony is that we fear the ones we are angry at. Those who are closest to us. At the same time these are the ones we love the most. And here the dilemma deepens and hurts the most. We are dependant on those around us and thus we fear that if we express our anger we will lose their support. And at the same time we love them. Tell me how a child can deal with such a riddle!
We move on in life, we live in denial of that anger and so it slips deeper into the unconscious levels of our experience. This is exacerbated by the social norms that expect respect and compliance from us to those on whom we depend. Thus the anger is buried deeper and deeper and is growing bigger and bigger as we face more failures in life and blame them on the injustices of those we are angry at.
On the surface, we smile and as long as the page of our conscious mind is not occupied with this buried monster, we think we got over it and that it no longer exists.
Our fear helps us stay compliant to the social norms and thus gets us acceptance. This seemingly benign facade of the poison of fear makes it easier to swallow. Thus, we consume more of it and it also grows bigger.childfear1
The very force of life is: love. And here I am talking about real love not external shows of it. Love suffocates under the heavy weight of anger and fear. And we end up losing our centre which is love and start behaving instead from suppressed anger and adorned fear.

In Adult Life
As adults we struggle to be our best selves. We search for who we really are and try to express our true essence into the world. We tend to think that what happened in the past has gone for ever and today is a new day. Unfortunately, this is a fancy idea far fetched from the actual reality of what we experience everyday.
It seems on the surface that we do what we love and that we are offering our best and are living life fully. But deep down we know there is something wrong. We know this is just a show and this is why we tend to borrow external parameters of what a good life means and tick the boxes to desperately prove to ourselves and others that we are living the life of our dreams. But that choke in our throats won’t go away.

Where is the Problem?
lying hidden in the deepest levels of our consciousness, anger and fear shape our lives and highjack our control systems. When we live from anger and fear, our perception is distorted, our navigation system is hacked, and we completely lose our inner rudder.
Unresolved and unhealed, anger will tacitly and stealthily colour everything in your life. You will be angrily kind, selfishly selfless and helpful, meanly kind and generous, and so on. It is easy to deny this and laugh it off as an exaggeration. This is done at your own cost.
Unless we dig deep and heal the wounds of anger and the scars of fear, real love will not be liberated to show up in our day to day life.

What is anger?
Anger is an undercurrent and continuous stream of beliefs, images and realizations that you have been violated. It is a state of resistance in defence of an attack. It breads resentment, hate, revenge, and a hurtful sense of violation and insecurity, all of which produce high levels of stress.
What is Fear?
Fear is a deep sense of being vulnerable, insecure, and lacking. Fear is debilitating and it leads us to want to maintain low expectations of our conditions. It is logical to choose the lesser of two possible harms.

The Anger-Fear Vicious Cycle:anger1
At a young age, we feel angry for the violation of our rights and the denial of our needs. However, this anger is directed to those on whom we depend for our very existence. We figure out the expression of our anger may lead us to lose the support of those on whom we our existence depends to we inhibit our anger. We suppress anger and hold it back because we can’t risk losing the support of those around us.
This makes us more angry. It increases our anger on those close ones and it breeds a new type of anger directed towards ourselves. We blame ourselves for helplessness and thus we grow angry with ourselves. A third type of anger is also born. It is directed at the script of life. It takes multiple shapes: could be anger at God, at life, at the world, at days, etc.
All these types of anger grow bigger and go deeper. They all breed for fear which breeds more anger in tern and the vicious cycle spins at a faster speed and hits deeper and deeper.

What is the solution?
Most people flock to quick fixes for complicated problems which give an immediate sense of relieve that is yet fake. This leads to more frustration which will feed more into the already huge underground reservoir of anger.
If this person is also keen on fitting into social norms, this increased anger will make the monster of fear grow bigger.
The ultimate solution to this problem is healing. If those deep angers are not healed, you cannot live life in a healthy fulfilling way.
The process could go somehow like this:
1. Identify your anger and the sources of that anger: parent, teacher, peer, friend, yourself, etc.
2. revisit that anger and explore it again. Understand the needs that were unmet and the rights that were violated and acknowledge them.
3. Go through a complete process of forgiving the person responsible for that anger.
4. Claim yourself from that anger and liberate it forever.
5. Figure out a way to contribute to saving others from going through that experience or to helping them heal.
6. Make full utility of this liberation to make real changes in your life now. Put together an action plan.
7. Revisit the fear that held you back in the past from expressing that anger and make sure you have also resolved it.
8. Observe how your natural sense of love will grow and flow after this cleansing process.
Repeat this process with all angers that have poisoned your life.

Doing this will help you reclaim your life again and experience it at a deeper and more satisfying level.
The problem with anger and fear is that they are so fluid and malleable and could disguise is any shape and could seep into every corner in our life. Anger breeds fear, blame, guilt, lack of focus, selfishness, narcissism, hate, envy, jealousy, disputes, depression, feelings of void and emptiness, a reactive approach to life rather than proactive, temper, violence, lack of patience, racism, moral and sexual perversion, looking for people who may wrong you so you could justify your anger and blame them, etc.

February 28, 2017

4 Responses on The Deepest Wounds and How to Heal them"

  1. Sister says:

    SubhanAllah it was as if this was written for me. JazakumAllahu khair shaikh.

  2. Zoya ahmed says:

    Thankyou so much for writing this so beautifully..it has definitely healed me…May Allah grant you and your family and the whole team of rashidoon jannatul Firdaus…and may Allah also grant me the chance to meet you all in jannatul firdaus.

  3. A says:

    Assalamu alaykum.
    Lets say a person identified thr source of their anger to be their father who didnt give them their rights. How does one apply #6?

    “#6 Make full utility of this liberation to make real changes in your life now. Put together an action plan.”

    How are you supposed to know what to do and make a action plan just because you have identified the source?

    And what if the source of the anger is still happening, meaning it never ended and you can’t get away from it? How can you move on from being “stabbed” while the “stabbing” keeps happening and you can’t stop it?

    • rashidoon says:

      Wa alaykum asalam wr wb.
      Without emotionally freeing oneself from the trauma, he/she cannot do #6. Identifying the source is not enough to move on. That person needs to go through the first 5 steps. These steps should empower him/her to handle #6.
      If the source of anger is still happening it is hard to act on those steps in most cases. This person may need to change their environment or find a way to stay away from the source of negativity in their life. Otherwise, they will stay stuck.
      I didn’t want to elaborate on this due to the general nature of the article and such an advice could easily be misapplied.

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